do not let them break you

usually when someone asks me what i’m thankful for i say, “my legs.” this generally happens in a classroom or some other ice-breaking experience. a lot of people say their family or their health. don’t get me wrong, i am so thankful for both of those things…

but i am thankful for my legs, because, although they are not long and lean or tan and toned, they work. my legs let me run miles at a time every day (i recently broke my 3 mile record for a 9 minute mile). my legs help me to walk to the train or class when i’m running late. my legs wear cute pants or high waist shorts or neon skirts. 

i am also generally thankful for my soft bits. sure, i would love to be a size 0. but i also love pizza and being warm all of the time. i like some of the squishy parts of my body. being a size 0 would be nice, but i'm okay with being a size 4, sometimes a size 6 and always a size 10 or 12 at h&m.

wednesday, i found myself standing about ten feet away from a wall of mirrors (actually a room of mirrors) hating my legs. i’d been desperate for some heat in this (literally) bipolar weather, so i decided to go to my first bikram yoga class. there is a studio really close to my apartment, and i thought i would have tried it out much sooner, but sometimes life has a way of getting in front of your practice, and you lose sight of what is really important: your breath, and your body, and the love you have for both.

so there i was, sweating in tadasana 5 minutes into a 90 minute class. i closed my eyes because i was so distracted by the fact that my thighs were the only ones in the class that were touching.

“KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN,” the teacher said. she wasn’t actually screaming, but her tone does not deserve little letters, so i’m going all owen meany on her ass.

i was annoyed. the short baby hairs around on the crown of my head were sticking to the sweat on my face. i felt claustrophobic in my own skin.

“WE DON’T TAKE A WATER BREAK UNTIL AFTER EAGLE, AND AFTER THAT, IF YOU NEED WATER, ONLY DRINK BETWEEN SETS.”

rules to drinking water?

“IF YOU NEED TO REST, REST BETWEEN SETS. FINISH THE FIRST SET BEFORE YOU REST.”

rules to taking a break?

i was already feeling distressed about my thighs and the soft inside parts of my arms that were smushed against the side of my body. i couldn’t concentrate on my practice staring at myself in the mirror. i closed my eyes.

“KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN.”

i got through the practice to eagle without drinking. 105 degrees is much hotter than the 95 degrees i’m used to.

i tried shaking all of the negative thoughts out of my mind, but every time i looked up to concentrate i saw myself in the mirror.

somewhere in a ridiculous set of one sit up plus modified cobra plus one more sit up plus a random savasana, i started crying.

this definitely wasn’t the first time i’ve ever cried in a yoga class. at home, practicing with my mom at funky buddha, we would hold hands during savasana. it felt so good to be connected to another person. listening to whoever was teaching the class reflect on the practice is always my favorite part.

in lotus i had a chance to catch myself in the mirror. i was red for the heat and red from holding back the tears. i was instantly reminded of my freshman year at msu. there was a person at school that made me feel the same way i felt in class. to deal with her, i added a bunch of quotes to the sticky notes on my computer.

“other people’s opinions of you do not have to become your reality.” les brown

“if i am not for myself, who will be?” pirke avoth

“it aint what they call you, it’s what you answer to.” wc fields

i kept telling myself, “do not let this break you.” but defeat had taken over.

this is not what yoga is. this is not what yoga is about. yoga is about love, spirituality, and strength. i felt none of those things. yoga is not about staring at yourself in a mirror. it’s about listening to your body; letting it tell you what it needs. savasana lasted less than one minute at the end of the practice. the teacher walked out the door before we were even finished. i could not participate in namaste because i did not authentically feel it for the first time ever in my practice.

about a month ago i decided to sign up for a teacher training class. in april, i will start my 200 hour teacher training. i vowed to myself on wednesday that i will never make anyone feel the way i felt during that practice.

so here’s to friday. here’s to feeling tall, lean, and strong. here’s to thighs that touch and arms that smush and crying in public.

here's to that teacher. i hope that someone makes her feel loved every day.

and here’s to my momma for always holding my hand.